‘I didn’t say that, ‘You’re acting crazy’, ‘Don’t be so sensitive’.
If you’ve been on the receiving end of one or more of these phrases, then you may have been a victim of gaslighting.
Although it’s a term coined relatively recently, researchers believe that gaslighting is deeply rooted in our societal structure and social inequalities, with women more likely to experience it than men.
It’s also something that people might experience at work, as well as in their personal lives. Assistant professor of sociology at the University of Michigan Paige Sweet says that the stereotype of women being emotional and irrational makes them easier targets, but that the problem is still largely ignored in the workplace.
However, according to Sweet and other researchers, there are ways to identify gaslighting and overcome it. Here are four warning signs to look out for and how to deal with them.
What is gaslighting?
Before we start, maybe we should clarify what gaslighting is exactly.
An accurate definition of it is a way of manipulating someone into thinking they’re wrong, even though they’re right’. The effects of this can be serious: sometimes, it knocks the victim’s confidence, causes them to question their own behaviour or even their sanity.
The technique is commonly used by abusers as a way of manipulating their partner for example. People with addiction issues might resort to it to shift blame from themselves, like a betting addict who wants convince others that they’re gambling responsibly, for example.
The term comes from the name of a 1938 play, later turned into a movie, where the male lead character convinces his wife that she’s going crazy, but the issue hasn’t been studied extensively until a few years ago.
The warning signs
Gaslighting may not always be obvious: in fact, the perpetrator may not even realize they are doing it. Once you know what to look for, though, it’ll be easier to spot, allowing you to take steps to deal with it.
1. Obvious lying
Typical phrase: What are you talking about?
A gaslighter will openly lie, then rely on making you look like the irrational one for calling them out. Their intention here is to confuse you to make it easier for them to control the situation.
Phrases such as ‘What are you talking about?’ are common here. It both accuses you of lying and hints that you’re unstable – perfect for them as they try to gain sympathy and support from other colleagues.
How to deal with it: Take time to remind yourself that it’s not you with the lying habit, but them. Stand your ground and don’t let them manipulate you into thinking that you’re the guilty party.
2. Denial
Typical phrase: ‘You’re remembering wrong.’
Denial is one of the five forms of lying and is used as a way of backing out of sticky situations. They may try and get you to doubt your own memory or say that you misinterpreted what they said.
Gaslighters often make offensive comments and then deny saying them; they might promise something to get a worker to do what they want, then simply go back on their word.
How to deal with it: Write down comments from important work conversations in a journal which you can point to as back-up. Even if the gaslighter refuses to accept it, you’ll at least know that what you’re saying is correct.
3. Aggressive reactions
Typical phrase: ‘You’re being irrational.’
As well as react defensively, the perpetrator may act on the front foot and respond with aggressive comments. Here, their rage is designed to show how outrageous you’re supposed to be acting; that your comments are so offensive that they have no choice but to react angrily.
The aim is again to make you feel crazy for saying something, in the hope that you’ll drop the matter. It’s also an attempt to deflect the blame that should lie on their shoulders onto you.
How to deal with it: The key here is to stay calm. Reacting in a similar manner will simply escalate the situation and only bolster their claim that you’re acting irrationally.
Instead, respond with a neutral comment like ‘let’s agree to disagree, there’s no point arguing about it’. This takes the sting out of the situation and will probably leave them a little red-faced.
4. Insincere praise or apologizing
Typical phrase: ‘I’m sorry you feel that way.’
Gaslighters are particularly good at peppering their speech with little compliments and apologies to keep them just on your good side. A common pattern goes:
- Gaslighter says or does something bad
- You call them out on it
- They soften the situation with a false apology or praise
- You let them off
This is just enough to string you along for a while, but all it does is make the situation worse when the next problem comes around.
How to deal with it: Don’t let false praise or apologies pull the wool over your eyes. Recognize them for what they are and move on from the situation.
If some of the above warning signs apply to you, there is plenty of material online that can help you in these situations. Gaslighting is now officially recognized as a form of workplace bullying, so you don’t have to tolerate it any longer. After all, everyone deserves the right to be treated fairly while they work.
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