From Endling by Maria Reva to Real Life: Understanding the Mail-Order Bride Journey

Hello, I’m Dr. Peggy Bolcoa, a licensed relationship therapist. My work centers on how people find one another, form bonds, and navigate the social and cultural systems that can complicate those connections. Recently, while reading “Endling” by Maria Reva, I was particularly struck by her exploration of mail-order brides.

The term itself is loaded, often controversial, and frequently misunderstood—yet it reflects a very real phenomenon. For those curious about what “mail-order bride” truly means, or how practices such as romance tours to Ukraine emerged, I have examined this subject in depth, combining historical context, psychological insights, and the real-world consequences for those involved.

Ultimately, the discussion is not only about a particular group of women, but about broader themes of love, power, economics, and the cultural forces that shape human choices. In this way, literature and lived experience intersect, offering us a more nuanced understanding of a complex reality.

Endling: What Maria Reva Put on the Page

In Endling, Reva paints stories that circle around Eastern Europe, migration, and survival. One of the threads involves women who end up in the mail-order bride pipeline, trying to secure marriage and safety across borders. It’s not the main plotline of the book, but it’s sharp, painful, and very recognizable if you’ve ever studied this world.

The book uses humor in dark places. It’s funny, biting, and sad all at once—exactly how the real stories often feel. A woman might laugh while describing how she filled out an “ideal bride” profile, but under the joke sits fear about her future, her family, her chances at something better.

The Real Deal: Where “Mail-Order Brides” Come From

When people hear the term, they often picture websites where men scroll through profiles of women from Russia, Ukraine, or the Philippines. The truth is more layered.

A Quick History Lesson

• 19th century: Mail-order brides were often frontier women in the U.S., recruited through ads. Men out West needed wives, and women saw a way out of hard conditions back East.
• Late 20th century: With political shifts, the rise of the internet, and global migration, the idea resurfaced. Agencies popped up offering catalogs of women—mostly from countries hit hard by poverty or political change.
• Today: It’s a mix. Some services look like dating apps with translation tools. Others run romance tours to countries like Ukraine, where men meet groups of women over staged dinners.

This isn’t just about romance—it’s about economics, culture, and sometimes survival. My research paper on the phenomenon goes deeper into how these structures play out in U.S. society.

What Women are Really Facing

I’ve talked to women, read accounts, and studied patterns. Here’s what often comes up:

• Hope for a better life: Many are chasing safety, financial security, or chances for their children.
• Pressure from family: Sometimes families encourage or even push women toward these choices.
• Risk of disappointment or danger: Not all men joining these services are safe or respectful. Some expect obedience more than partnership.
• Culture shock: Moving across the world means new language, new roles, and new expectations—on top of starting a marriage.

And the Men? What’s Pulling Them in?

It’s easy to say, “Oh, they just want a submissive wife.” Sometimes that’s true, but not always. From my work as a therapist, I see more nuance.

• Loneliness: Many men joining these agencies feel overlooked in their home dating pool.
• Fantasy: There’s a dream of “traditional” women—someone who won’t reject them, who values marriage, who looks like the women in glossy ads.
• Control: Yes, some are motivated by power and the hope of setting the rules.
• Genuine desire for connection: Believe it or not, a good number truly want love—they’re just looking in risky places.

Fiction vs. Fact: Where Endling Matches Reality

Maria Reva didn’t pull this out of thin air. The humor, the awkward dinners, the quiet desperation—it all echoes the real-life romance tours to Ukraine and other parts of Eastern Europe that have been running for decades. I’ve read accounts where women describe lining up in ballrooms, dressed to the nines, while groups of men—jetlagged and sometimes a little drunk—circle around with translators at their side. It looks like speed dating meets a job fair.

In fiction: Reva sharpens it for greater effect. Her characters are exaggerated, her humor is dark, her irony lands like a punchline. It’s a literary lens that makes us laugh uncomfortably.

In life: It’s much less tidy. The women are nervous, sometimes hopeful, sometimes jaded. The men are equally all over the map—some are wide-eyed romantics, some are just curious, some are deeply entitled. Translators end up acting like wingmen, referees, and therapists all at once. And when the dinner ends, the reality sets in: someone has to decide whether this could be a marriage, not just a story for the flight home.

What struck me is how closely Reva’s fictional world overlaps with the stories I’ve seen in research. The mix of humor and pain she captures? That’s exactly what women report—laughing with friends about the absurdity of the tours, then crying later when they feel like their choices are shrinking.

The Power Imbalance Nobody Likes to Talk About

This is the raw part, the one that rarely makes it into glossy ads or tour brochures. When one partner controls the visa, the language skills, the finances, and the social safety net, the other partner is in a risky spot. Even if the love is genuine, the structure of the relationship tilts hard.

Here’s what that imbalance can mean in day-to-day life:

• Women feel trapped if the marriage turns unsafe. Without their own visa or income, leaving can feel impossible. Some stay longer than they want to, not because of love but because of paperwork.
• Men sometimes feel used if money becomes central. I’ve heard men say, “Does she love me, or the ticket to America?” That doubt can eat away at the bond, even if the relationship started with good intentions.
• Families back home are part of the pressure cooker. Many women send money home or feel guilt if they don’t. Meanwhile, their families might push for more support, which adds stress to the couple.

It’s easy to judge from the outside. But once you see the inside—the constant paperwork, the fear of deportation, the late-night calls to parents asking for advice—you realize how heavy this imbalance can be. Reva hints at this in Endling, but in real life, the stakes are even sharper.

The Myths That Keep the Machine Going

There are a few myths that keep these systems alive, both in fiction and in reality. And honestly, myths are powerful—they allow all participants to feel a little more comfortable about a choice that might otherwise seem too difficult.

Myth 1: Women who sign up aren’t serious.

People love to say, “They just want a green card” or “They’re not really in it for love.” Truth is, most women who go through this are dead serious. They want safety, stability, and sometimes a better future for their kids. Love might not be the first motivator, but that doesn’t mean they’re playing games.

Myth 2: Men who join agencies are predators.

Some are, yes. But many are not. I’ve met men who are simply lonely, socially anxious, or convinced they’ve been overlooked in their own country. For them, the agency feels like a shot at connection—even if it’s a risky one.

Myth 3: Mail order marriages never work.

You’ll hear people say, “Oh, they all end in disaster.” Not true. Some do fail quickly—often because expectations were never clear. But others last decades. The key difference tends to be respect, honesty, and flexibility. Couples who can adjust and talk openly about the tough stuff (money, culture, family) often build marriages that last.

Breaking down these myths matters, because they keep us from seeing the real people in the story. It’s easier to laugh at stereotypes than to face the messy truth.

Lessons for Real Couples

If you’re in a cross-border marriage—or thinking about one—you don’t need glossy advice from an agency. You need tools that work in the messy, everyday moments. Here are a few I’ve seen make the biggest difference:

1. Talk about money early

Money fights can sink a relationship fast. Don’t wait for the first bill to blow up. Lay it out: what each person expects, what’s doable, and where the limits are. Is money going to the family back home? Who pays for what? Clear answers now prevent resentment later.

2. Learn each other’s language

Even a handful of phrases can change everything. Saying “I love you” or “I hear you” in your partner’s first language carries weight. It shows effort. It shows you care enough to step into their world. It’s not about perfect grammar—it’s about respect.

3. Build a support system

Isolation kills marriages. If one partner is far from home, help them find new friends, groups, or community ties. And don’t cut off the family back home—it may take work to balance both, but nobody should feel like they’ve lost their roots.

4. Set clear safety plans

This is the heavy one, but it matters. If immigration status is tied to the marriage, have a backup plan. Know where to get help, who to call, and what rights exist in your country. Safety shouldn’t depend on staying in a bad relationship.

Why Fiction Like Endling Matters

Books give us mirrors. They let us see systems we’d rather ignore. Reva’s work shows the humor and pain of women whose lives get pulled into forces bigger than themselves. When we laugh at the dark comedy, we’re also saying, “Wow, this is real. And it hurts.”

Wrapping it up

When we talk about “mail-order brides,” we’re not just talking about an old cliché. We’re talking about women making choices in tough circumstances, men looking for connection (or control), and systems that profit from both sides. Fiction like Endling shines a light. Research, like my own work on the topic, digs into the patterns. And real couples out there are living this every day.

The more we talk openly—without shame, without fairy tales—the more honest our picture becomes.

About the Author

Dr. Peggy Bolcoa, LMFT, PhD is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Costa Mesa, California. She works with couples, individuals, and families, and her focus often includes cross-cultural marriages and the hidden systems that shape them. She’s published research on mail-order brides and romance tours and continues to write about the human side of relationships.